This is the post I don’t want to write, the one that has been nagging at me for the past week, the one that I’ve been putting off. I need to just write it and get it done with.

When I started this blog just over a year ago it was, in a way, a personal journal of my journey, my musings about faith and life as I struggled to learn how to let grace lift me so that I could begin to soar. As I honed my mission statement it became a way of trying to encourage other women, born out of a deep desire to see women blossoming into the full potential that God has given them. I have loved this season of blogging, and it has brought me joy to see that many times my words have actually touched the hearts of other women.

However, lately I’ve been feeling that perhaps this season is over, at least for a while. I love writing, but I’m sensing that this is something that I need to give up and give back to God. Is it a dry spell? I don’t know. I keep running into other things that confirm the thoughts I’m having; the Bible Study I’m currently part of, and this post by Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer among other things. The thought of not sitting down and posting my thoughts makes me sad, but at the same time I have a peace that this isn’t the end. God has given me this gift and he will not take it away forever. I still have a passion to see other women experiencing peace in their lives and freedom in the day to day struggles that often bind us with cords of frustration, bitterness or exhaustion.

I’ve tried bargaining with God. “OK, I’ll quit posting, but can I at least do 7 Quick Takes Fridays and Then Sings My Soul Saturdays? Stuff like that?” The answer feels like ‘no’.

So, I’m stepping away indefinitely, hoping and trusting with all my heart that something good will be born out of this. I am sad, because I’ve loved sharing my thoughts, loved the process of writing something out, but there is also a freedom and joy in taking another step into the unknown. I’ll be leaving the blog up for the time being because I may return to it eventually.

I’m blessed that you have taken time out of your days to read my rambling thoughts. I WILL still be nosing around on everyone elses’ blogs. Who knows what the next season will bring? I hope that for all of you it brings sunshine, joy and peace.

Blessings to all of you,

Loretta

Over the course of this past year I’ve noticed a wonderful trend. Green living is slowly moving out of the fringes and into the lives of a larger part of the population. Last year at this time I was that crunchy oddball who brought her own bags to the store. This year on any given shopping day I see roughly 50% of shoppers bringing their own bags (thanks in a large part to the stores promoting and selling their bags at a reasonable price). This year ‘green’ cleaners are starting to take up more and more shelf space and major cleaning product manufacturers are getting in on the act. More people are experimenting with home gardens. Green is the new selling point.

I like this trend. I derive a lot of pleasure from trying to live green, to live simply, to live sustainably. If you’ve already started making changes in that area…awesome! If you haven’t, it’s never too late! We’ve been given a beautiful earth to inhabit and care for, let’s treat it like the precious gift that it is.

Today I’m compiling a list of links that I hope will help you either start or continue on your journey towards living green.

The first link is a great starting point. Simple Mom has a list of 40 simple things you can do to go greener at home. Pick one, pick a couple and get started! (I REALLY tried for that 5 minute shower this morning, that’s going to take some practice.)

Green cleaning. I’m really getting hooked on this. Yes, you can buy commercially packaged green cleaners in the store. Use caution though, that cleaner marketed by the big label cleaning company may tout it’s ‘natural’ ingredients…but natural is still a largely unregulated claim on products. An item can also be natural and still not be sustainably produced. And let’s face it, the cleaning products without the benefit of a behemoth company behind them can be pricey. Your best alternative? Make your own! I’m finding that it is much easier than I ever expected it to be, and I love being able to customize the scent of what I’m cleaning with. (In my world, everything smells like peppermint.)

Some links for making your own green cleaners:

Clean & Green  Fantastic list, broken down by area, of how to use common household items as cleaners, as well as recipes to make your own cleaners. I should note…this is NOT my site, even though we share the same not-very-common first name.

Natural cleaning recipes from Green Living Ideas.

Finally, if we really want to make a difference, we need to be teaching our children about the importance of caring for the earth. Green Living Ideas (again) has a great article on preparing kids to live sustainably.

I hope these links give you some good ideas. Take that first step, or that next step. And get out and enjoy nature!

Today as I dropped Gates off at school we did our standard goodbye routine.

Me: Have a great day at school!

Him: OK, I will!

Me: I love you!

Sometimes he ignores this last line, sometimes he doesn’t (usually he’s too busy running towards school). Today he answered. “I love you too, mom.” Pause, then he turned around again, “But sometimes I don’t like you.” And off he ran, leaving me to wonder what prompted THAT this morning.

It’s ok, really. I don’t expect my children to like me all the time. I’m a parent, I’m going to make decisions they don’t like. I’ll survive the moments when they don’t like me, knowing that as they grow in maturity they will start to understand why some of the decisions were made. But even after the moments of not liking me it always comes back to love. Snuggles, hugs and laughter, we can’t escape the fact that our lives are intertwined and we know we would be lost without the safe place of our love to fall back into.

As I was driving home after dropping him off I began to think about that statement and my relationship with God. Sometimes I feel the same way. Sometimes I want to say “I love you, but right now I don’t know if I like you.”

When my husband spent a year after we moved here looking for a job, I didn’t like God very much.

When I began to realize that my perfect child had developmental delays, I didn’t like God very much.

When I see pictures of starving children, I don’t like God very much.

When natural disasters kill hundreds or thousands, I don’t like God very much.

When I know in my heart he wants me to do something that I don’t want to do, I don’t like God very much.

When I struggle to make sense of some of the things in the Bible, I don’t like God very much.

Yes, there are moments when I just don’t LIKE God. As I grow I begin to understand some of those moments in a different light; I begin to understand the why behind what happened. Some of it I know I’ll never understand while I’m alive on earth. But underneath it all is the current of love, a love that will not let me go, a love that I don’t want to let go of either. His love is my safe place to fall when the world doesn’t make sense…when HE doesn’t make sense. Just as Gates knows he can count on my love enough to be honest about not liking me sometimes, I know that I can count on God’s love. Even when I don’t like him.

I love you, God. Sometimes I don’t understand you and I don’t like you, but my life is intertwined with you. I would be lost without you, without your love. I’m glad that you love me unconditionally, even when I’m acting like a child. I’m glad that after the times of not liking you I can still turn to you and say “I love you,” and know that you are loving me too.

The other day Gates got out the playdough to play with. Later, when he had returned to the basement to play something more physically stimulating like “Throw yourself off the couch and bounce off of the exercise ball” I went upstairs to grab a drink of water. Imagine my surprise to find that he had, with no prompting from me whatsoever, cleaned up and put away all of the playdough and tools. This, quite frankly, was a day to mark down in the history of our family. I went downstairs to immediately reward him with some verbal positive reinforcement. His response after I thanked him for being so responsible was, “Do I get money?” Never mind that we’ve never paid him for chores before, I’m not even sure where the idea came from other than an offhand comment made the other day that if he wanted more money he needed to do some extra responsible things. (Said after he was once again trying to talk Indy into giving over the few coins he had in his bank.) So, apparently he can remember that, but he can’t remember the five times today in which I have already told him when we would eat supper.

Don’t I operate like that sometimes? Don’t we all?

Hey, I spent FIFTEEN MINUTES in prayer today, God. Are you going to make the rest of my day blissful and easy, with peaceful children who will let me do everything that I want to do?

Hey God! I tithed! Now I’m waiting for you to miraculously provide the funds for that new set of dishes I want.

If I do a missions trip to someplace with huge bugs, will you make a publisher contact me out of the blue with an offer for a book deal?

I did what you wanted, now where’s the payoff?

Hebrews 11, the roll call of faith, lists many who acted in faith and obedience to God. Verse 13 reminds us that none of them received the promised reward while they were still alive, only glimpses in the distance of what was yet to come. And I do not think it is any coincidence that the chapter comes rolling towards its close by naming many of the horrific ways in which people had suffered for their faith. In its final verses the author declares:

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. (Hebrews 11:39, 40  NIV)

God had planned something better. It wasn’t about the individual and what they did or how great their faith was. The reward comes when God ushers in his Kingdom and we are all made perfect; those who are the patriarchs of the faith and those who follow in the footsteps that they have laid out. Only all together will God’s final masterpiece be complete. Only then will the fullness of his reward be known.