Comments on: And so it began http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/and-so-it-began/ A journey through what was, what is, and what is yet to be. A journey into grace. Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:34:28 +0000 http://wordpress.com/ hourly 1 By: newmom http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/and-so-it-began/#comment-678 newmom Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:34:28 +0000 http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/?p=32#comment-678 Everyones stories have brought me relief, so i thank you all. I have been struggling with minor ocd since my childhood, and as i was growing up, i would "over" worry about things and make myself feel depressed. Once when i was young, i so called, "made out" with someone and thought i had aids or was pregnant. Of course, i was so young, i didnt know anything about aids but i knew i couldnt get pregnant from kissing. My guess is that i felt as if i should have gotten in trouble for what i did, but since nobody knew except myself, i punished myself through my thoughts and built them up to the point where they were ridiculous and irrational. After giving birth to my son, now 10 months old i went through different phases. First, of course, was the baby blues. That only lasted a few weeks and i felt normal again. Soon after, i developed a fear of everything! Going out in public, gas stations, even walking out my front door or in the garage. I felt intense anxiety over fears that someone was going to hurt my baby or myself as well. I feared that as i walked out of my house, someone would pop up from hiding and attack me and my son. I feared that while we were at a gas station, it would get robbed and we would get shot. I feared that an overpass would collapse while i was driving under it. I feared of burgalars while i was in my home, especially at night. I would repeatedly check the doors to make sure they were locked (ocd). After the fears of someone hurting my baby subsided, a new fear was established. One day i found myself stuck in traffic on an overpass and remembered a story i heard about a mother who threw her baby over an overpass into the traffic. I thought, "How could a mother do such a thing to her baby?" Then, I pictured myself being the mother, doing that to my son. I was horrified that something like that would even go threw my mind. It seems like ever since that day on the bridge, the thoughts kept coming. They were intrusive and unwanted and they began to make me feel very guilty, heavy, weighed down, depressed, full of anxiety and i began worrying if i would actually do such things. I felt like i was going crazy. I began seeing a therapist and am on buspar, which seems to be helping. I just hope that this will all end soon and i will feel normal and sane once again. Everyones stories have brought me relief, so i thank you all. I have been struggling with minor ocd since my childhood, and as i was growing up, i would “over” worry about things and make myself feel depressed. Once when i was young, i so called, “made out” with someone and thought i had aids or was pregnant. Of course, i was so young, i didnt know anything about aids but i knew i couldnt get pregnant from kissing. My guess is that i felt as if i should have gotten in trouble for what i did, but since nobody knew except myself, i punished myself through my thoughts and built them up to the point where they were ridiculous and irrational. After giving birth to my son, now 10 months old i went through different phases. First, of course, was the baby blues. That only lasted a few weeks and i felt normal again. Soon after, i developed a fear of everything! Going out in public, gas stations, even walking out my front door or in the garage. I felt intense anxiety over fears that someone was going to hurt my baby or myself as well. I feared that as i walked out of my house, someone would pop up from hiding and attack me and my son. I feared that while we were at a gas station, it would get robbed and we would get shot. I feared that an overpass would collapse while i was driving under it. I feared of burgalars while i was in my home, especially at night. I would repeatedly check the doors to make sure they were locked (ocd). After the fears of someone hurting my baby subsided, a new fear was established. One day i found myself stuck in traffic on an overpass and remembered a story i heard about a mother who threw her baby over an overpass into the traffic. I thought, “How could a mother do such a thing to her baby?” Then, I pictured myself being the mother, doing that to my son. I was horrified that something like that would even go threw my mind. It seems like ever since that day on the bridge, the thoughts kept coming. They were intrusive and unwanted and they began to make me feel very guilty, heavy, weighed down, depressed, full of anxiety and i began worrying if i would actually do such things. I felt like i was going crazy. I began seeing a therapist and am on buspar, which seems to be helping. I just hope that this will all end soon and i will feel normal and sane once again.

]]> By: soulfish7 http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/and-so-it-began/#comment-670 soulfish7 Mon, 22 Jun 2009 06:41:00 +0000 http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/?p=32#comment-670 I'm totally relieved after reading this article!!! Graceunbound thank you for posting this! What a tremendous help! I'm dealing with PPOCD and just realized it ... and there is now a new sense of freedom. My Doc believed it was not ppd so I've been hunting online and now I know!! One thing I refuse is to allow shame to keep this a secret ... what has helped was to fight those guilty, shameful feelings and share (talk it out) every emotion, thought and feeling to my best friends and Pastors. I have built a strong and unconditional loving support around me with friends and family who have helped me through those 'stormy' moments. I know they love me, know me and don't judge me! Hiding makes it worse! Forgiving myself has been huge as well with prayer! I'm taking whole food multi-vitamin with the B's, Omega 3's, and natural herbs that have helped! I get out and exercise ... I jog, take long walks while breathing deeply and praying ... I just recently went in my little garden and pulled all the weeds out (which was so therapeutic). I'm taking up scrap booking and doing things that bring joy! I thank God everyday that He is with me and that I'm not alone and that this too shall pass!! I'm learning to choose joy each day and take one day at a time ... not thinking about yesterday nor tomorrow. I'm learning to replace those 'scary thoughts' with a happy memory that brings joy. It's not easy but I'm a fighter and the freedom I have is thru choice ... although I didn't choose to have this, I'm choosing not stay down! There are some great books out there that can help ... I do read the bible and have faith in Christ, and I read books by people of faith who have overcome depression, anxiety etc... If you haven't heard of Joyce Meyers, check out some of her books... truly life changing!! Blessings to each of you, .. stay strong you are beautiful women who are loving moms ... we will overcome! I’m totally relieved after reading this article!!! Graceunbound thank you for posting this! What a tremendous help! I’m dealing with PPOCD and just realized it … and there is now a new sense of freedom. My Doc believed it was not ppd so I’ve been hunting online and now I know!!
One thing I refuse is to allow shame to keep this a secret … what has helped was to fight those guilty, shameful feelings and share (talk it out) every emotion, thought and feeling to my best friends and Pastors. I have built a strong and unconditional loving support around me with friends and family who have helped me through those ’stormy’ moments. I know they love me, know me and don’t judge me! Hiding makes it worse! Forgiving myself has been huge as well with prayer! I’m taking whole food multi-vitamin with the B’s, Omega 3’s, and natural herbs that have helped! I get out and exercise … I jog, take long walks while breathing deeply and praying … I just recently went in my little garden and pulled all the weeds out (which was so therapeutic). I’m taking up scrap booking and doing things that bring joy! I thank God everyday that He is with me and that I’m not alone and that this too shall pass!! I’m learning to choose joy each day and take one day at a time … not thinking about yesterday nor tomorrow. I’m learning to replace those ’scary thoughts’ with a happy memory that brings joy. It’s not easy but I’m a fighter and the freedom I have is thru choice … although I didn’t choose to have this, I’m choosing not stay down! There are some great books out there that can help … I do read the bible and have faith in Christ, and I read books by people of faith who have overcome depression, anxiety etc… If you haven’t heard of Joyce Meyers, check out some of her books… truly life changing!! Blessings to each of you, .. stay strong you are beautiful women who are loving moms … we will overcome!

]]> By: graceunbound http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/and-so-it-began/#comment-404 graceunbound Wed, 03 Dec 2008 14:28:40 +0000 http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/?p=32#comment-404 Thank you for sharing those. I hope that as you share more about your struggles you will find the pain lessening. Thank you for sharing those. I hope that as you share more about your struggles you will find the pain lessening.

]]> By: 3 Boys' Mom http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/and-so-it-began/#comment-402 3 Boys' Mom Wed, 03 Dec 2008 00:02:45 +0000 http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/?p=32#comment-402 Thank you for writing your story and being brave enough to let people know about your OCD. I have suffered with this type of OCD for 25 years and it continues to be a daily struggle. I have 3 sons, ages 11, 6 and 2 and I can relate to the feelings of guilt, grief and not being a "real" mother. How could a mom think such horrible thoughts about her children?...I ask this question every day of my life. My soul hurts so bad sometimes. I try to hold onto my love of the Lord and His Grace, but the OCD tries to take that away, also. I have started to be more open about my struggles with OCD in the hopes that something good can come out of the pain and maybe I can let someone know that they are not alone. Here are some poems I wrote...hopefully they will comfort someone out there... The Author of My Soul The Author of my soul Has written the story of my life. Across the pages His hands have penned The saga of a daughter, mother, wife. He always knew how the story would begin With a tiny child born premature. Even before I could read the words, He knew there would be pain and loss to endure. A brother’s death, a father’s anger, A loss of innocence and a mind of demons. A terrified mother, a desperate soul, So many questions, so few reasons. It’s a common theme in all our lives, A story of Good versus evil, the battle lines drawn. A lonely soul caught in the crossfire of war, Feeling helpless in the role of the devil’s pawn. I wish I knew how my story will end, I am impatient to turn the pages. I want to reach the end of this story Where my soul is freed by the Savior of the ages. “Be patient my little one and let Me turn the pages”, I hear his sweet voice calling out to me. “I already know how this story ends, my love” Lean on the cross and set your mind free. Sea of Humanity Father, I am drowning in the sea of my humanity. Doubts and fears are circling like sharks at the kill. Waves of anger and sadness pull me under, Muffling my screams and breaking my will. I get so tired of fighting the relentless current. I am barely able to keep my head above the water. I grasp onto Your Word, my only hope, As I manage to travel on a little farther. I wonder what will be left of me when my journey ends. When I finally reach Your shore, will You recognize me? Will you be able to look beyond my scars and bruises? Deep into my soul, what will you see? Hopefully, You will see someone who longs to do your will, Even when my heart and mind are so often at odds. I long to see Your beautiful face and feel your love. For You are my Lord, my Savior and my one true GOD. Thank you for writing your story and being brave enough to let people know about your OCD. I have suffered with this type of OCD for 25 years and it continues to be a daily struggle. I have 3 sons, ages 11, 6 and 2 and I can relate to the feelings of guilt, grief and not being a “real” mother. How could a mom think such horrible thoughts about her children?…I ask this question every day of my life. My soul hurts so bad sometimes. I try to hold onto my love of the Lord and His Grace, but the OCD tries to take that away, also. I have started to be more open about my struggles with OCD in the hopes that something good can come out of the pain and maybe I can let someone know that they are not alone. Here are some poems I wrote…hopefully they will comfort someone out there…

The Author of My Soul

The Author of my soul
Has written the story of my life.
Across the pages His hands have penned
The saga of a daughter, mother, wife.

He always knew how the story would begin
With a tiny child born premature.
Even before I could read the words,
He knew there would be pain and loss to endure.

A brother’s death, a father’s anger,
A loss of innocence and a mind of demons.
A terrified mother, a desperate soul,
So many questions, so few reasons.

It’s a common theme in all our lives,
A story of Good versus evil, the battle lines drawn.
A lonely soul caught in the crossfire of war,
Feeling helpless in the role of the devil’s pawn.

I wish I knew how my story will end,
I am impatient to turn the pages.
I want to reach the end of this story
Where my soul is freed by the Savior of the ages.

“Be patient my little one and let Me turn the pages”,
I hear his sweet voice calling out to me.
“I already know how this story ends, my love”
Lean on the cross and set your mind free.

Sea of Humanity

Father,

I am drowning in the sea of my humanity.
Doubts and fears are circling like sharks at the kill.
Waves of anger and sadness pull me under,
Muffling my screams and breaking my will.

I get so tired of fighting the relentless current.
I am barely able to keep my head above the water.
I grasp onto Your Word, my only hope,
As I manage to travel on a little farther.

I wonder what will be left of me when my journey ends.
When I finally reach Your shore, will You recognize me?
Will you be able to look beyond my scars and bruises?
Deep into my soul, what will you see?

Hopefully, You will see someone who longs to do your will,
Even when my heart and mind are so often at odds.
I long to see Your beautiful face and feel your love.
For You are my Lord, my Savior and my one true GOD.

]]> By: ocdwriter http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/2008/04/27/and-so-it-began/#comment-350 ocdwriter Sun, 05 Oct 2008 22:01:30 +0000 http://graceunbound.wordpress.com/?p=32#comment-350 I went through post partum OCD with lots of intrusive thoughts and also wish I had spoken out about and not suffered as much. I'm a journalist now in Canada and I want to write an article about post-partum OCD to let people know it exists and is more common than we think. I'm looking for women to interview (preferably living in Canada). Email me at djarryshore@yahoo.com if you're interested. Thanks for your blog post. I went through post partum OCD with lots of intrusive thoughts and also wish I had spoken out about and not suffered as much. I’m a journalist now in Canada and I want to write an article about post-partum OCD to let people know it exists and is more common than we think. I’m looking for women to interview (preferably living in Canada). Email me at djarryshore@yahoo.com if you’re interested. Thanks for your blog post.

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