That question is settled in my mind. Instead, this post is about the flip side of the coin. This post is about all of the people who tell us we are blessed, we are strong, we are amazing because of some random trick of the genes, some accident, some collision of environmental factors that has given us the children we have. By this logic my sister-in-law with the autistic son is more blessed than I am with my Asperger’s son. The parent of a child in a wheelchair is more blessed than the parent of the child who walks on legs of different lengths. All children are blessings. End of story. God didn’t look at any of us and say “Wow, I really love them so I’m going to give them a child with special needs.” Am I blessed by my son? Absolutely, but it is because he is my child, not because of anything he is or says or does.

Here’s a secret for those who think we are so strong, so amazing, possessing some indefinable character trait that no one else has. We aren’t. Sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep because we are exhausted from caring for our children, whether it is the endless round of caring for a child with severe physical needs or the emotional ups and downs of caring for a child whose brain just doesn’t work like that of other children. Sometimes we wish for normalcy, and then feel guilty because we love our child and wonder if we have just wished away all that makes them most special, most lovable. We will always be just a little bit jealous of those who seem to sail through life with ‘normal’ children. The unknown of our child’s future seems very big and very dark, how can we help our child navigate it when we don’t know how ourselves?

No, we don’t have any more strength than any other parent. We don’t have a patience that appeared magically as a gift along with our child, it has been forged through trial and error just as the patience of every other parent is forged. What we have for our child is simply the thing that every parent is gifted with: Love. Crazy, wild, uninhibited love. Love that will keep on loving even when we want to cower in embarrassment because of something our child has said or done. Love that keeps on whispering “I love you” to our child long after other children are saying “Wuv oo” to their parents in the belief that someday they will repeat those beautiful words back to us. Love that forgives the tantrums, the meltdowns, the raging because we know in the end after all of the emotion is spent they will return to our arms.

Oh, to be loved with a crazy love like that! And you know what? We are! We are all God’s special needs children, each with our own flaws, our own hangups. Sometimes we blurt out things that must surely embarrass him (I’m looking at you, aforementioned state delegate). Sometimes we rage and kick and scream. And yet he waits, patiently, lovingly for that moment when we come running back to his arms. Over and over he whispers to us “I love you.” Day after day he waits for the moment we will turn to him and say without prompting “You know what, God? I love you too!” I know how I felt the day Gates first said “I love you” and I knew it wasn’t just a parroting back of words. I know how it feels now when he says it nearly every day, when he spontaneously turns around and runs back to give me a hug. It’s a crazy thing, this love that keeps on hoping, keeps on loving, keeps on forgiving.

That’s all I have to offer, no special gifts, just crazy love. Love that is renewed every day because I know that I am also loved with the crazy, wild love of God.

When I started this blog just over a year ago it was, in a way, a personal journal of my journey, my musings about faith and life as I struggled to learn how to let grace lift me so that I could begin to soar. As I honed my mission statement it became a way of trying to encourage other women, born out of a deep desire to see women blossoming into the full potential that God has given them. I have loved this season of blogging, and it has brought me joy to see that many times my words have actually touched the hearts of other women.

However, lately I’ve been feeling that perhaps this season is over, at least for a while. I love writing, but I’m sensing that this is something that I need to give up and give back to God. Is it a dry spell? I don’t know. I keep running into other things that confirm the thoughts I’m having; the Bible Study I’m currently part of, and this post by Shannon at Rocks In My Dryer among other things. The thought of not sitting down and posting my thoughts makes me sad, but at the same time I have a peace that this isn’t the end. God has given me this gift and he will not take it away forever. I still have a passion to see other women experiencing peace in their lives and freedom in the day to day struggles that often bind us with cords of frustration, bitterness or exhaustion.

I’ve tried bargaining with God. “OK, I’ll quit posting, but can I at least do 7 Quick Takes Fridays and Then Sings My Soul Saturdays? Stuff like that?” The answer feels like ‘no’.

So, I’m stepping away indefinitely, hoping and trusting with all my heart that something good will be born out of this. I am sad, because I’ve loved sharing my thoughts, loved the process of writing something out, but there is also a freedom and joy in taking another step into the unknown. I’ll be leaving the blog up for the time being because I may return to it eventually.

I’m blessed that you have taken time out of your days to read my rambling thoughts. I WILL still be nosing around on everyone elses’ blogs. Who knows what the next season will bring? I hope that for all of you it brings sunshine, joy and peace.

Blessings to all of you,

Loretta

I like this trend. I derive a lot of pleasure from trying to live green, to live simply, to live sustainably. If you’ve already started making changes in that area…awesome! If you haven’t, it’s never too late! We’ve been given a beautiful earth to inhabit and care for, let’s treat it like the precious gift that it is.

Today I’m compiling a list of links that I hope will help you either start or continue on your journey towards living green.

The first link is a great starting point. Simple Mom has a list of 40 simple things you can do to go greener at home. Pick one, pick a couple and get started! (I REALLY tried for that 5 minute shower this morning, that’s going to take some practice.)

Green cleaning. I’m really getting hooked on this. Yes, you can buy commercially packaged green cleaners in the store. Use caution though, that cleaner marketed by the big label cleaning company may tout it’s ‘natural’ ingredients…but natural is still a largely unregulated claim on products. An item can also be natural and still not be sustainably produced. And let’s face it, the cleaning products without the benefit of a behemoth company behind them can be pricey. Your best alternative? Make your own! I’m finding that it is much easier than I ever expected it to be, and I love being able to customize the scent of what I’m cleaning with. (In my world, everything smells like peppermint.)

Some links for making your own green cleaners:

Clean & Green  Fantastic list, broken down by area, of how to use common household items as cleaners, as well as recipes to make your own cleaners. I should note…this is NOT my site, even though we share the same not-very-common first name.

Natural cleaning recipes from Green Living Ideas.

Finally, if we really want to make a difference, we need to be teaching our children about the importance of caring for the earth. Green Living Ideas (again) has a great article on preparing kids to live sustainably.

I hope these links give you some good ideas. Take that first step, or that next step. And get out and enjoy nature!

Me: Have a great day at school!

Him: OK, I will!

Me: I love you!

Sometimes he ignores this last line, sometimes he doesn’t (usually he’s too busy running towards school). Today he answered. “I love you too, mom.” Pause, then he turned around again, “But sometimes I don’t like you.” And off he ran, leaving me to wonder what prompted THAT this morning.

It’s ok, really. I don’t expect my children to like me all the time. I’m a parent, I’m going to make decisions they don’t like. I’ll survive the moments when they don’t like me, knowing that as they grow in maturity they will start to understand why some of the decisions were made. But even after the moments of not liking me it always comes back to love. Snuggles, hugs and laughter, we can’t escape the fact that our lives are intertwined and we know we would be lost without the safe place of our love to fall back into.

As I was driving home after dropping him off I began to think about that statement and my relationship with God. Sometimes I feel the same way. Sometimes I want to say “I love you, but right now I don’t know if I like you.”

When my husband spent a year after we moved here looking for a job, I didn’t like God very much.

When I began to realize that my perfect child had developmental delays, I didn’t like God very much.

When I see pictures of starving children, I don’t like God very much.

When natural disasters kill hundreds or thousands, I don’t like God very much.

When I know in my heart he wants me to do something that I don’t want to do, I don’t like God very much.

When I struggle to make sense of some of the things in the Bible, I don’t like God very much.

Yes, there are moments when I just don’t LIKE God. As I grow I begin to understand some of those moments in a different light; I begin to understand the why behind what happened. Some of it I know I’ll never understand while I’m alive on earth. But underneath it all is the current of love, a love that will not let me go, a love that I don’t want to let go of either. His love is my safe place to fall when the world doesn’t make sense…when HE doesn’t make sense. Just as Gates knows he can count on my love enough to be honest about not liking me sometimes, I know that I can count on God’s love. Even when I don’t like him.

I love you, God. Sometimes I don’t understand you and I don’t like you, but my life is intertwined with you. I would be lost without you, without your love. I’m glad that you love me unconditionally, even when I’m acting like a child. I’m glad that after the times of not liking you I can still turn to you and say “I love you,” and know that you are loving me too.

Don’t I operate like that sometimes? Don’t we all?

Hey, I spent FIFTEEN MINUTES in prayer today, God. Are you going to make the rest of my day blissful and easy, with peaceful children who will let me do everything that I want to do?

Hey God! I tithed! Now I’m waiting for you to miraculously provide the funds for that new set of dishes I want.

If I do a missions trip to someplace with huge bugs, will you make a publisher contact me out of the blue with an offer for a book deal?

I did what you wanted, now where’s the payoff?

Hebrews 11, the roll call of faith, lists many who acted in faith and obedience to God. Verse 13 reminds us that none of them received the promised reward while they were still alive, only glimpses in the distance of what was yet to come. And I do not think it is any coincidence that the chapter comes rolling towards its close by naming many of the horrific ways in which people had suffered for their faith. In its final verses the author declares:

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. (Hebrews 11:39, 40  NIV)

God had planned something better. It wasn’t about the individual and what they did or how great their faith was. The reward comes when God ushers in his Kingdom and we are all made perfect; those who are the patriarchs of the faith and those who follow in the footsteps that they have laid out. Only all together will God’s final masterpiece be complete. Only then will the fullness of his reward be known.