Sometimes when I’m writing my entries I struggle with the thought “Should I put that in there? Is that a little too honest, a little too vulnerable, does it reveal a little too much of my struggle?” Because sooner or later I know that I will start cluing in people I know in real life to the fact that I have a blog. And some of them will have no clue of what I struggle with. Some of them will. Even now it is vulnerable to reveal some of the depths of my thoughts and struggles to people I have known only through the internet, because I have known some of you for years and count you as much friends as people I have met in the flesh.
But one thing I have learned through years of writing for classes, and then playing with writing ‘for real’, is that if I’m not honest, it shows in my writing. I descend into triteness and platitudes and stuff that is of no real use to anybody. My writing becomes as plastic as the mask I’m trying to hide behind. This, the honest stuff, seems to be what I am meant to write. At least for now.
The other reason I’m being honest about my struggles is that this is, ultimately, a blog about grace. And where’s the grace in saying “Hey look, I’ve got it all together and a heaping scoop of grace on top to boot!” The deepest grace is found in the midst of our deepest struggles. If real grace is going to be found and understood, it is going to be in the midst of me being honest, and growing through my struggles into that place where grace begins to lift me up and carry me.
There are days I might struggle more than others, and there are days where I might actually seem to have a grasp on grace. That’s life. Some days I get it, some days I don’t.
So yes, I’m going to be honest. Not to shock you, not for sympathy, but to say “This is the place where I’m finding grace.” I hope that in some way that helps you to find grace in your place as well.