In a previous post I wrote about that moment when our perspective shifts and we re-order our priorities; we start to dream about the impossible.
For me, the impossible dream was staying home with my children. Every part of me wanted to be home with them, but it seemed impossible. While driving to work I’d see parents walking their children to school, or out on a walk with a child in the stroller. I’d go to the park at lunchtime in the summer and see the parents and kids arrive to wait for the wading pool to open. Story time at the library, cold winter days spent curled on the couch with a stack of picture books, being able to stay home with them when they were sick; I wanted it all. I wanted all of the kisses and hugs I was missing; I wanted to not feel that their lives were rushing by me faster than I wanted them to. I wanted to feel active in their lives and not just a spectator on the sidelines. I know that my parenting role even while I was working was important, but I knew that ultimately it wasn’t right for us.
And so I decided to stay home. We didn’t know how it was going to work out, it seemed impossible. We planned for several months of struggling to build up a small bookkeeping clientele, but we were at peace with our decision and the road ahead. And then, just at the moment when we were starting to be overwhelmed by the enormity of what needed to happen to get things going, God provided. Provided beyond my wildest dreams. One client, willing to move their entire office set-up to my home, paying the exact amount I had calculated we would need to cover our bills. Over the past 10 months I have thanked God over and over again for the blessing of his provision, for giving me what I thought was impossible.
On Sunday our pastor preached about worry and I thought “Hah, I’ve got this worry thing beat. I’ve witnessed how God provides and I’m never letting worry get the best of me again. Yep, that stronghold’s been conquered.” (I was conveniently ignoring all the other things I worry about besides finances.)
Today God said, “Ok, test time! Do you REALLY trust me? Do you really believe that I will provide your needs?” And a big old financial worry the size of a boulder dropped into my lap. I’d like to say that I’m sitting here praising God for this challenge, but I’m not really. Instead I’m sitting here feeling like a boulder is sitting on my chest. BUT, the first thing that I did when that load was dropped on me was to pray. And I’m going to keep on praying, not only that God will provide, but that I will trust in him enough to NOT WORRY. We belong to a God who is infinitely capable of doing more than we could ever ask or imagine. I’ve seen him prove it again and again, now it’s time to trust him.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6,7