Posted by: graceunbound | June 7, 2008

All that I thought I wanted

Today I drove out to the garden center to buy some more tomato plants to replace the ones that are already failing in my garden. (Doomed, I tell you, they are all doomed!) I got the last, lonely little 4-pack. Their sorry dried-out state and exposed roots don’t give me much hope for their longevity in my garden.

In order to get to the garden center I have to drive past one of the elite subdivisions. You know the kind, five story homes, sweeping lawns, 4 car garages They are the embodiment of the American dream; the dream that I used to have. It’s hard, driving past these perfect exteriors, to not feel a pang of envy, to hear that small voice whispering “Isn’t that what you wanted? And you’re never going to get it.”

Yes, for years that is everything that I dreamed of, all that I thought I wanted. I grew up solidly in the lower middle-class income bracket. We weren’t poor, there was always food on the table, but there were rarely any extras. My clothes were almost all thrift-shop and yard-sale bargains. In the era of Jordache jeans, I was wearing orange polyester. My longing for a pair of jeans that looked even remotely like what the other kids wore was consuming. I will always remember the first and only time I begged, really begged for a piece of clothing. It was the most beautiful shirt I had ever seen, pale flowers, three-quarter length rolled sleeves. I wanted it desperately. It cost twenty dollars. To my mother, no piece of clothing was worth that much. To me, it was something that touched a longing to express my individuality, to make my own choice about something. I won the battle, surprisingly enough, with my mother muttering that I wouldn’t get my money’s worth out of it. I wore it for ten years, long after the colors had faded, just to prove her wrong.

And so I dreamed of the day I would be somebody. Of the day that I could buy any shirt, any dress I wanted without questioning the cost. (Granted, designers like Gucci and Armani didn’t figure into that desire, even then I didn’t desire $10,000 outfits.) I dreamed of the house I would have, the rooms I would fill with furniture.

A funny thing happened on the way to that dream. I fell in love. I fell in love with someone whose income was never going to bring me even close to that dream. (Pardon me while the memories make me a little mushy. It is totally his fault I almost failed macro-economics; how’s a girl supposed to concentrate on economic formulas when she keeps daydreaming about a certain crooked smile and hazel eyes?)

It was one of those blessings in disguise sorts of situations. Once I realized I couldn’t have the dream, I realized that it wasn’t really what I wanted after all. I would not trade a thousand big houses for our first year in the attic apartment, on the hand me down bed that sent us both rolling towards the center. I wouldn’t trade all the sweeping lawns for the basement apartment we lived in next, with the centipedes that fell from the ceiling. (Well, ok, I would trade the centipedes.) But that was the apartment we brought Gates home to, that was where he learned to crawl and to walk, that was where the memories of his first smiles are captured. I wouldn’t trade the four car garages for the house we lived in for six months before moving to South Dakota, or the months we spent in our in-law’s basement, or the apartment we brought Indy home to.

It took me a long time to learn, but contentment doesn’t lie in all that I thought I wanted. Contentment lies in my heart, in rejoicing in whatever my circumstances are. Contentment lies in knowing that I don’t need all of that stuff to be somebody, that I’m loved as I am by my husband, my children, my friends, and most of all, my Creator.

The flash of envy dies quickly as I drive past those huge houses. My house is alive with love and laughter. It’s taking a beating from two small boys, but those dings in the wall are part of our lives. We have so much more than so many others do, I could not possibly feel anything but blessed by the richness that surrounds me. Life is good, and I know that I have everything I ever really wanted.

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Responses

  1. Fabulous as always. This really touched me and I related 100%!

  2. And besides, who wants to clean all that square footage?

  3. Well, clearly I’d then be able to afford a cleaning service! (Which I must say I wouldn’t mind having right now.)


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