It has been about exactly one year since I gave my notice and walked away from the professional world. It’s funny, because when we first moved here I said ‘no thanks’ to a bookkeeping job; I thought that I had worked so hard obtain my accounting degree, my CPA license, my job experience that I didn’t want to feel like I was taking a step backwards in my career. Yes, I hated auditing. Yes, public accounting was absolutely soul-draining for me. But as much as I hated it, as much as I watched my creativity wither away to nothing…I was good at it. Really, really good. And it can be hard to step away and step down from something that you are good at, even when you know it is the wrong thing for you.
I wanted to stay home with the boys, but there was also a stirring in my heart, a desire to be used by God, a hunger to make a difference. I don’t often claim to be that in tune with God; sometimes I think I hear him wrong, sometimes I just take a whim and call it God. But this was different, a very certain feeling in my heart that God was calling me forward into another phase of the journey and that he had a plan for me.
As it turns out, God did have plans for me. He had plans to allow me to be broken emotionally, to recognize the depth of my weakness, and to deal with things I had ignored for too long. Here I am, a year later, finally on the path to becoming who he wants me to be, not some pale imitation built out of my own mind, but wholly and authentically who he created me to be. Slowly stripping away the rags I’ve pieced together to hide myself in, he is clothing me and preparing me to be his radiant bride.
I have no idea what’s next in his plan for me. I know that he’s still got plenty of work to do on me; and I’ve given up trying to predict his plans because somehow I never guess right. So I wait here, ready and willing. Maybe he has something big for me, maybe just a host of small somethings. Somewhere he will use me in part of his plan and maybe I will know what he’s doing or maybe the difference he’s called me to be is something so small that I will never even realize it.
God’s plan, my plan. Mine was less painful, his was better.