When I was in high school we had a fundraiser every year (I can’t remember which group hosted it) where for a small amount of money you could buy a carnation for someone and fill out a little card telling them why they were special, or even just saying ‘hi’. On carnation delivery day the student government would skip a class and go around placing carnations in the lockers of people who they had been purchased for. Some people would get heaps of carnations. Some would get few, if any. It was a good year if I got one, spectacular if I got more than one. So inside has always been that lonely girl saying “Pick me, pick me, please don’t let me suffer the embarrasment of opening my locker and showing the world that I have no flowers, nothing that says I’m special.”
This week Angela over at Becoming Me honored me with an award for being a blogger who has inspired her lately. My first thought was “Wow, someone likes me! Someone really likes me!” Suddenly I was the girl who gets carnations.
And so I set out to try to post the award and follow the rules of taking part in it. Here’s where the humility part starts to come in. I cannot get the button to post. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit trying to get it to post. And as I fussed with it, and got agitated with it, and maybe even yelled at my computer a few times (mentally yelled…Indy is napping in the next room, I’m not crazy enough to wake him up) I began to think “Is it really all that important to post this?”
Oh, I am still honored beyond words to have been chosen, I’m honored that someone thinks I’m special. But I am special no matter how many awards people give me, no matter how many carnations show up in my locker. Suddenly it just doesn’t matter as much to me if people see me and think I’m special. I have nothing against the blog awards that drift around; I think that they are fun, and it IS nice to honor people and let them know that they meant something to you. But the fact is, everyone has something to offer, every blog I’ve read in its own way offers up the heart of the person writing it.
This blog is my heart, and my heart is simplicity. It is also trying to balance self-confidence with humility. So, I’ve decided that as a general policy I’m not going to post awards. Less fussing at the computer for me, more time to focus on sharing my heart.
Heaps of carnations tossed back to Becoming Me for her general awesomeness, and heaps more tossed to all of the other bloggers out there who take the time to share a little of themselves with the world.