Posted by: graceunbound | July 25, 2008

A house full of love and laughter

Yesterday at an appointment with my counselor we talked a bit about my childhood and what it was like growing up in my home. I want to make it clear that in many respects I had a very good childhood, blessedly free from many of the traumas that children have to endure. But there was always an undercurrent of turbulence, a sense of waiting for the next shoe to fall, the next fight between my brothers, the next verbal barrage from my mother undermining whatever I happened to think was important. My older brother escaped into a fantasy world of comic books, science fiction, and role-playing games, a world he still lives in today at the age of 43. My younger brother rebelled, first by breaking all the rules, then by running off to join the army. (Hint – we are Mennonite, that was a HUGE deal for my parents. I will also say it was perhaps the best thing he could have done for himself.) And me? I learned to keep my mouth shut, to fly under the rader, to strive for perfection. And when the time came I walked away and never looked back.

This has molded the type of mother I want to be, the home I want to have. I have always wanted my children to look back and remember home as a place filled with love, laughter and acceptance. I have wanted ours to be the house where their friends come and feel welcomed and at peace. And over the past few years I have felt that I was failing my dream. This past year has been especially hard, as I struggled through depression, through periods of anxiety and uncontrollable rage. I was afraid that my children would never have the home I wanted them to have.

Today Gates gave me the most wonderful gift. I came out from tucking Indy in for a nap (yes, I am blessed to have a 3 1/2 year old who still takes naps on most days) and saw Gates just laying on the floor, feet propped up on the windowsill.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m making a memory.”

“Oh. Is it a good memory?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me about it?”

“I’m making a memory of our house because it is a house where there is lots of love and laughing and no meanness and yelling. I like this house.”

The conversation went on for a bit, to include my in-law’s house, which is apparently a farm full of love. But that was the gift to me (after my bout with guilt two days ago when I yelled at Indy for an accident that happened after he did something I’d asked him not to do). Despite all of my failings as a parent, my children are recognizing the love I have for them.

Gates helped me to fold a sheet (miraculous in itself…he is suddenly voluntarily becoming more helpful around the house) and when he dropped the corner and we laughed he said, “I’m glad we laugh in our house. That is a good memory.”

There will still be days that I will fail them. But for today I have been given this gift. Through the voice of my child God has reminded me that when the things we seek are the things that are his character we WILL see them come to fruit eventually. The road isn’t always easy, we will feel that we’ve fallen short. But keep pressing on.

May God grant us all houses full of love and laughter.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. This is a beautiful post. I want the same things for our home- full of love and laughter and beautiful memories.

  2. God shows us His grace through our children, and it brings me to my knees every time.
    I have battled this darkness of guilt and self-loathing and anger for too long. I had a picture in my head of what mother I was to be, and I felt I was excelling in it, until my second came along and some kind of monster, which had been hiding, was released in me.
    But for the darkness, I never would have understood His grace fully.
    I am so undeserving…

  3. I marvel at how rich God’s grace is even when we don’t deserve it. And yes, so often he shows us that grace through our children.

    Praying you find peace, grace and joy in your mothering.

    (Oh, and welcome to my blog!)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: