Posted by: graceunbound | July 30, 2008

Unfinished

It has been three years since we moved into this house. Three years, and I still have not done a lick of decorating. I painted a bathroom before we moved in, and that was it. There are a few things hanging on the walls, but not in any cohesive fashion, they are just ‘there’. I look at it and it feels unfinished, as though someone just moved in and hasn’t finished unpacking yet. It lacks depth and warmth, it says nothing about who lives here (other than that I hate to clean).

This isn’t a new feeling for me, I have spent most of my life feeling unsettled, not knowing who I am or what I like; always looking to other people to get some sort of clue about myself. My appearance, my home, my thoughts; I’ve never really stepped up and owned any of it. Look at my ‘About’ page and you will see that I am still trying to figure out who I am.

I won’t go into all the reasons why I am this way, they aren’t important. What matters is how I deal with it, because I want to be myself. I want to feel that I am uniquely and wholly who God created me to be. I know that I will never be truly ‘finished’ until I stand in his presence, but at the same time I need to be true to what he has placed in me.

I’m learning that there are several keys to being who I was created to be. The first is to set aside thinking about what everyone else does, or what everyone else thinks. I’ve spent my life being afraid of looking or sounding stupid and so I fit myself into a little box that is much too tight; quite frankly it’s getting a little boring in here. That was one of our challenges when looking for a church. I didn’t want a ‘box’ church; I wanted a church that coaxes us out of our boxes to live wildly and passionately for God. Now that we’re there, I’m finding it hard to move out of my box. I may not be scrunched up in it anymore, but I’m having a hard time stepping out and kicking the box to the curb.

The second key is to quit trying to copy others. I look around me and I see the giftings of others and think “Oh, I want to do that,” or, “I wish I were more like they are.” And so in the past I’ve tried to copy others. I’ve taken on their personas and tried to be them. Oddly enough, it always falls flat.

So I’m stuck here, trying to finish the walls of my house; trying to finish the walls of my life. I don’t know how my house will end up, but I do know I have this promise about my life:

 I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  Philippians 1:3-6 (NIV)

 He who began a good work in your will carry it to completion. I may not know what God has created me for; I may not know my purpose here on earth, but he does. And if I am faithful to listen to his voice; if I am focused on being who he created ME to be and not someone else, he will be faithful to continue to mold me into who he wants me to be.

Advertisements

Responses

  1. You wrote exactly what I have been thinking lately. Just when I think I know who I am, someone or something reminds me of how frail my confidence is. Like you wrote, we are always being molded and will continue to be until Christ’s work in us is done. It’s a beautiful thing, Christ’s completion of us.

  2. That is an amazing revolution… faith in the uncertain times of life. With patience there is great reward. May God ocntinue to bless you and your family.

  3. This has been at the forefront of my mind lately!
    Am I who I am meant to be?
    I am going to post on this in a few days when I get my thoughts circled into some form of semblence!

    I found myself saying to God a couple weeks back “Thank You for who You are making me to be”… as soon as the thought left my brain, heading toward the Father, it was halted by a thought returning, “Not who you will be, but who you are. Who I have made you to be.”

    I feel myself getting close to a breakthrough, a breakthrough into His rest.
    May we both rest in who we were made to be.

    “God didn’t screw up when He made you,
    He’s a Father that loves to parade you.”
    ~ Delirious ~


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: